SOUTH PARK: The Search for Chef
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: The boys go on a mission to rescue a friend.
1. Chapter 1

Stan, Kenny, Kyle, Eric and butters stand in line for lunch, already having entered the "IN" hall door.

"So, what did you guys do last night?" Kyle asks.

"Nothing much, homework, some video games," Stan replies.

"Hown work," Kenny says in a muffled voice.

"Just homework I'm afraid," Butters says as well.

"Huh. Me, too. I either got to get a life or more interesting friends," says Kyle.

"I was trolling Omegle for boobies," says Eric.

"Cool – did you see any?" asks Stan.

Eric replies, "No, just a bunch of dicks and some chick named SSSniperwolf who pretended to freeze in place while lifting her shirt up; still wanked it though."

One by one they each take a tray as they close in on the lunch guy.

Kyle speaks up, "Everything is kind of boring around here. Whatever happened to the days when we used to go on adventures together?"

"Well, I'm sorry not every day can be an alien taco crapping tacos kind of day, Kyle," says Eric sarcastically.

"It's not just that. We used to talk to way more people. Misses Crabtree," says Kyle.

"Yelling at demons now," Eric comments.

"Misses Chokesondick."

"Choking on angels now," Eric says as he's served lunch.

"Doctor Maphesto, Wendy, Tweek."

"You're seriously not pining for Tweek are you?" Eric asks Kyle.

"No – just saying."

"Who's Tweek?" asks Butters.

"Before your time," says Eric.

"Oh," Butters says as he's served. He then follows them to their usual table.

"And officer Barbrady. Hell, we barely see him anymore," Kyle continues to wistfully speak.

"Kyle, you seriously need to get on Omegle and see some boobs," says Eric.

Once they are all sat, Kyle examines his tray of food.

"Look at this – Grade F gruel, soy milk, one piece of chicken. Over half of it is celery."

Eric adds, "You forgot the flavored cardboard and tomato."

"Why, ah, I think it's delicious – another wonderful Michelle Obahma-approved school lunch," says Butters.

"Why does my tomato have pot leaves all over it?" asks Stan.

"Marvin the starvin' martian probably eats more than this. We're not allowed to have cupcakes, but we get a condom dispenser in the bathroom. I'm six years old – what the fuck do I need a condom for?" asks Kyle.

"I got lots of condoms – they make nifty sling shots!" says Butters.

"Dude, you sound like one of those people who always complain about how much better things used to be," Stan says to Kyle.

"Cupcakes and chocolate milk _we're_ better times. Just look at this shit – none of us are even eating any of it. Not even you, Butters."

"Why, I'm just assuring the garbage man job security, is what I'm doing," responds Butters.

Kyle continues on more, "Remember when we used to walk up to the window, say 'Hey chef' and he'd say 'Hello there, children!' and we'd ask him what was for lunch and he'd reply-"

Stan cuts Kyle off and finishes his thought, "'Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green bean casserole, or vegetable medley'. Yeah, I do remember that. You know, those lunches were better days."

"Weren't they?" Kyle reinforced Stan's comment.

"Oh, man, I'd kill for some buttered noodles. Or a Klondike bar. Probably just a Tic-Tac," says Eric, rubbing his stomach.

"You know, that new lunch guy doesn't even give a fuck about our names. He just slops some pre-made shit on our trays and makes fifteen thousand a year for it. Why do we even get these trays?" asks Stan.

Kyle responds to Stan, "I asked Mr. Mackey the other day and he said the Obahma law requires them to serve it and that we have to take a tray. Don't have to eat it, but have to carry it around like whipped surfs."

Stan looks around at all of them, "Listen to ourselves – lunch used to be that special time of the day we didn't have to learn a bunch of useless crap, now we dread it."

"I don't know if I can take another day of looking at this crap," says Kyle.

"Me, too," says Kenny, pushing his tray away.

"Guys – I know just the thing to cheer us up," says Eric excitedly, widening his eyes.

"What?" asks Kyle.

"Jackin' in the Box."

"Jack in the Box," Kyle corrects Eric.

"That's what I said. Jack in the Box is selling bacon flavored shakes now. We should totally go try them."

Kyle looks uncertain, "I don't know. That sounds like the kind of thing that will either shockingly work or be epically bad."

"Kyle, how much worse can it be than soy milk?" asks Eric.

"He's got a point," says Stan.

"Oh boy – sounds like we're gonna go on a rusty venture!" says Butters excitedly.

"What's a rusty venture?" asks Stan.

"You know, I'm really not sure," Butters replies.

"I can't, I got homework and chores today," says Kyle.

"I kind of need to study after school," Stan says.

"We'll go now," says Eric.

"We can't go now – school is still in session," Stan replies to Eric.

"So? Think about it: you want to sit around here learning about ancient Mesopotamia and how being an American is so evil? Man, fuck that shit. After recess we'll pull the fire alarm: there's only two hours left anyway then. It'll take forty-five minutes to an hour to clear out, count heads, get an all-clear, get back in, and longer 'cause they'll need to check the records of who is in that day and missing from the head count. By that time the busses will be ready to take everybody home and we'll just slip into the bus during the commotion."

"What happens if they don't find a fire and clear it early?" Kyle asks Eric.

"Fine – we'll stick a condom in an outlet," Eric answers.

Stan speaks up, "You know, normally I'm not a fan of your convoluted evil plans, but I am bacon curious. Count me in."

"I guess I'm in, too," says Kyle.

"Me, too," Kenny joins in.

"Say, fellas, can I come along as well?" asks Butters.

Stan tries to let Butters down ahead of time, "Don't get your hopes up, Butters, you'll have to ask Eric and he-"

"Sure, Butters. In fact, I insist," Eric says in a polite tone, patting Butters on the back.

"Huh," Stan comments, surprised a little.

"Oh, boy!"

.

Almost an hour later. The boys hide behind a wall corner leading to the hall where they cafeteria is. Butters exits a nearby bathroom as Eric peaks around the corner. Teachers have lunch while kids are outside during recess, which is nearly over.

"Did you do it?" Kyle asks Butters.

"One condom in an outlet, check. It's already on fire."

The bell rings, signaling the end of recess.

"All right, Butters, pull the fire alarm," says Eric.

"But, why don't you do it?" asks Butters.

"Because, Butters, I'm too big-boned to reach up that high."

"Oh, all right," Butters walks over, reaches up and pulls a fire alarm switch down. The alarm sounds loudly and lights start flashing on the red fire alarm boxes.

"Thanks, Butters – I didn't want to get my finger prints on the fire alarm switch," says Eric.

"Oh, hamburgers," Butters says as they bolt for a door out of school.

.

The boys walk up to a cash register.

"Can I take your order?" asks a guy behind a register.

Eric replies, "Yeah, is Jack in the Box?"

"Ah, yeah," the employee responds.

Eric snickers, "Then you better let him out," then he continues snickering.

Stan speaks up, "Yes, we'll have five bacon shakes."

"Will that be all?"

"That's all."

"All right, five bacon shakes plus tax … your order comes to fifteen dollars and forty-five cents."

Stan counts out sixteen dollars in one dollar bills and hands it over. The cashier makes change.

After a few minutes later the boys each carry their own bacon shakes to a booth.

"It's pretty sweet our moms still give us lunch money even though we don't pay for lunch anymore. I won't even make a joke about how Kenny's mom is too poor to even give him Monopoly money," says Eric.

"Fwuk yu," says Kenny in a muffled voice.

They climb into a booth after setting their shakes on the table, then slide their drinks over once seated.

"Okay, who goes first?" asks Kyle.

"Why don't you?" asks Stan.

"No way – I go first and nobody else will; they'll just wait for my reaction."

"Gosh, it does kind of smell bacony," says Butters, sniffing the plastic lid.

"It kind of looks like miss Piggy in liquid form. I guess she does blend," says Eric.

"Okay, we'll all drink at the same time. Moment of truth, gentlemen," says Stan.

Eric quickly comments, "Over the lips and threw the gums, look out stomach, here it comes."

Stan counts down, "Three … two … _one!_ "

They all drink in unison.

"OH!" says Kyle.

"AGH!" says Stan.

"HUUUUU!" Kenny says, shaking and squinting his eyes.

Eric shudders.

"Sweet virgin Jesus!" Butters exclaims.

They all stare out blankly, with Kyle and Butters looking like they're gonna throw up.

Butters finally speaks, "Wha … where am I?"

"I … I can't remember anything," says Kyle.

"Me neither. Wait – it's starting to come back to me now," says Stan.

Eric chimes in, "Oh, God, it's so awful – it's like someone porked in my mouth."

"Why did we do this?" asks Kyle.

Stan replies back, "I know why – this is Michelle Obahma's fault. If she just allowed us to have chocolate milk like kids have had in lunches for decades, we wouldn't be here drinking Piglet diarrhea!"

"Meanwhile she eats all that high-calorie shit and even said nobody cares what we eat for lunch!" Kyle says angrily.

"If Chef were here, he'd know what to do," says Stan.

"Yeah, it's too bad he's dead," says Kyle.

"Yeah," Stan says sadly.

"Wait a minute, guys. What if Chef wasn't' dead?" asks Eric.

Stan says annoyed, "Ah huh. And what if peanut butter came out of my ass?"

"No, seriously. Remember that sheep scientists cloned? What if we cloned Chef?" Eric suggests.

"Isn't that illegal or something?" asks Kyle.

"Kyle, so is skipping school. We're already in the shit – don't wuss out now," Eric answers.

"But we don't even know how to clone," Kyle replies.

"It's easy; you find a mosquito hardened in sap, suck the DNA out of it, clone it, and hope it's not a dinosaur. We'll use Wikipedia to fill in the holes."

"Okay, but where do we get Chef's DNA? Finding random mosquitoes in sap will take too long," says Kyle.

Stan comments, "Didn't Chef say his DNA was all over town?"

"I don't remember. How about his parents?" asks Kyle.

"They were killed in that car crash leaving his funeral, remember?" Stan says to Kyle.

"Oh, right."

"I know where to get it! Come on!" Eric says, grabbing his shake and pushing Butters out of the way.

"You're taking your bacon shake?" Kyle asks them, noticing they're all doing it.

Stan answers, "We paid a month's worth of lunch allowance for them – I'm taking mine."

They all hop out of the booth one by one.

.

CUT TO: All of them walking up to a receptionist's desk.

The lady behind it speaks up, "Hi, welcome to Whackin' It Sperm Donations Center. Can I help you?"

Eric answers, "Yes, I'd like Chef's sperm, please. To go."

A minute later and the boys are shoved out of the sperm bank by a male employee.

"And don't come back! Until you're eighteen and want to donate. Masturbation is serious business!" he walks back in and slams the entrance door.

"Any other bright ideas, Rosie?" Kyle asks Eric.

"I'm thinking!" Eric answers angrily.

"Wait – where's Butters?" Stan asks.

Then sperm bank door opens and Butters walks out, counting dollar bills, "Do de do, dodilly do."

"Whoa – where'd you get all that money?" asks Kyle.

"Oh, well, ah, turns out there's increasing demand from middle age female school teachers for young pubeless jailbait boy sperm. Who knew."

"Wait … of course! I know exactly where to get Chef's DNA! Follow me!" Eric exclaims, walking off quickly.

"Oh, boy – we're off on another rusty venture!" says Butters.


	2. Chapter 2

The boys stand at a tall pair of wooden double doors. Eric knocks and then waits patiently. When there is no answer, he tries the doorknob and finds it unlocked.

"After you, Butters," says Eric.

"Okay," Butters walks in first.

They eventually make their way to a large room full of odd gadgets and machinery.

"Hello? Anybody there?" asks Stan.

Kyle calls out, "Doctor Maphesto? Hello?"

"Oh, hello, boys," Maphesto walks out from behind an old and very large computer station, "what brings you here?"

"We need your help cloning," Kyle replies.

"Ah, yes, yes, of course. My, it seems like forever since the last time we spoke."

"We've been leading very complicated lives," says Kyle.

Eric asks, "Doctor Maphesto, I seen to recall you collected town people's DNA. Is that correct?"

"Why, yes – I keep a vile of everybody's blood on file courtesy of the hospital. Every time there's a false panic of something, be it Mad Cow disease or Bird Flu, people inevitably flock in to be tested. If that Mad Cow doesn't get you in there, the West Nile will. Eventually you'll willingly be tested and then your DNA and blood will be mine. After the government gets some. Why do you ask?"

"We need Chef's DNA so we can clone him, like that sheep," says Kyle.

"Ah, I see. Ha! They said I was crazy for keeping a vile of everybody's blood in case of emergency, but now I get to clone a dead person. Who's crazy now?!"

"Where's your little assistant?" Stan asks.

"Oh, well, my genetically engineered giant dingo ate him."

"So, can you help us?" Kyle asks Maphesto.

"Absolutely. I'll just need to synthesize more of his blood, top off my extra large 3-D printer, and power on the heinie-berg compensator since it'll start out with his ass."

"Great. So, can we sit and wait?" Kyle asks.

"Boys, the human body is a complex system of DNA, neurons, dense tissue, hundreds of muscles, lots of snaking veins – it'll need at least twenty-four hours to print out. Come back after school tomorrow."

"Sure thing, Doctor Maphesto!" Stan says happily.

"Bye!" says Kyle.

"Tootilu!" says butters.

They turns around and head back through the house to the front door.

Maphesto thinks aloud, "Okay, now to render a big penis in 3-D. Never thought I'd have to do _that_ again."

.

The boys once again stand in line, having suffered no consequences after making it back in time for the busses the previous day.

"Oh, boy, Eric, isn't it exciting? We get to go on a rusty venture!" says Butters excitedly.

"What the hell is a 'rusty venture' anyway?" asks Kyle.

Stan replies, "I think that's the name for when you jerk off so much your dick gets all red and sore," he picks up a lunch tray.

"Oh," says Butters.

Clyde speaks up to Butters, "What? Didn't' you already ask me that?"

Butters turns around, "Ah, I don't think I did."

Clyde replies back, "Once again, what you do is you take a scuba snorkel and you put your cock on the bendy mouth part and you snake the other end right back up the other entrance, okay? Then what you do is you grab the middle of that snorkel and you're fucking your own ass and pullin' the cock and yourself at the same time until you blow in your own anus."

"Ew," says Kyle.

"Clyde – you're one weird bastard," says Eric.

Clyde speaks again, "So, does anybody need to borrow a snorkel?"

" _No!_ " says Kyle.

They once again reach the lunchroom worker who quickly fills their trays with the shitty lunch food.

"Hey, lunch dude," says Stan.

"Huh?" finally making eye contact with the boys.

"Can I get something other than soy milk?" Stan asks him.

"Absolutely. How about a nice refreshing Zema?"

"Besides things that'll fill me with regret."

"Ah! I got just the thing for you – New Coke!"

Stan stares back blankly for a few seconds, then apathetically replies, "I'll take the soy milk."

"Excellent choice," and with that he immediately looks back down and continues dispensing food like an assembly line worker in a factory.

"Thanks," says Stan sarcastically.

One by one they each dump their trays of food into a big trash container and then place their trays in the empty tray slot, except Butters. they sit at their usual table, with Butters sitting next to Eric.

"Butters, what the hell? You're not actually gonna eat that, are you?" asks Eric.

"Oh, no. I'm just so hungry I want the illusion of real food in front of me."

Kyle comments, "I'm starving – it's like a food desert in here. I'd kill for a Klondike bar."

Eric also comments, "Man, I'm so hungry I'd clone my parents just to chop then up and make food out of them again and feed them to myself. With some fava beans and a nice chianti."

"If I had my bacon shake with me right now, I'd totally drink it again," says Stan.

Kyle looks at him, "What did you do with yours?"

"I kept it. I paid over two fifty for that damn thing," Stan replies back.

"huh. Me, too," says Kyle.

"I put mine in the fridge when I got home and forgot about it," says Butters.

"Trashed mine," says Kenny.

Then Eric also comments, "I saved mine. I'll probably go out tomorrow and see if I can get a homeless guy to buy it off me for a buck. Probably film him drink it and put it on Youtube."

"Well, I say we bring ours to Doctor Maphesto so he can feed one of his genetically engineered _abominations before God_ creatures some nutrients. Who knows – maybe for them it's like Wheeties."

.

Later that day after school. The boys wave to Timmy, who has just dropped them off at Maphesto's place. Timmy rings his tricycle bell and drives away with his red wagon hooked to the back.

The boys help themselves in, as the front door is once again unlocked.

They finally reach Maphesto's large laboratory. The 3-D printer finishes up, making sounds like an old 1980's electronic printer and moving just as slowly. Each time it stops, it sweeps back, sounding like an old-fashioned type writer. It finally stops.

"Doctor Maphesto?" asks Stan.

"Oh, hello, boys," he walks out from behind the computer again, "Sorry about that – this thing keeps blowing vacuum fuses. Ah – my clone is done!"

"Cool, is he ready?" asks Kyle.

"He should be. He finished an hour ago – the printer was just putting on some finishing touches based on old photographs."

"Cool. We picked up an extra chef hat from school and found his old cloths at the Goodwill store – turns out people don't want to buy the cloths of a dead man," says Kyle.

"Excellent," Maphesto walks over and takes the apparel, "I'll just wheel him into the next room and get him dressed," he puts the cloths on top of the big printer, then reaches down and unplugs it. He pushes it away into the next room on its wheels. A minute of so passes.

Stan calls out, "Doctor Maphesto, we brought you these bacon shakes to feed your mutants."

Maphesto calls back, "Thank you, boys, just set them on the table next to my volatile flask of acid and flimsy container of powdered Anthrax."

"No problem!" Stan calls back.

They set their bacon shakes down on the table. A few seconds later Maphesto walks Chef out.

"Oh my God – Chef!" Kyle shouts.

"Hey Chef!" they all call out, except Butters, who was never originally with them when they used to do that.

"Hello," the Chef clone speaks.

"Wait, that's not right – he's supposed to say 'Hey there, children'," says Stan.

"And what's with the black sunglasses?" asks Kyle.

"Ah, well, he's never used his eyes before and they need to adjust to the light. As for his vernacular, I inputted a few basic responses and what else I could recall him saying and from news videos. Chef, say something familiar."

"Buttsex? Who's talkin' about buttsex?"

Stan says, "It's really him! Chef, can you come back to work and cook us food again?"

"Hello," Chef clone responds.

"Huh? What gives?" asks Stan.

"Oh, well, boys – he's an empty vessel. Without any writing or the real Chef's brain to transfer data from, this Chef clone will have to re-learn everything the other Chef knew; only without the same life experiences, he'll come out a different person. It'll never really be the Chef you once knew."

Eric exclaims angrily, "What a gyp! We gotta keep eating that fucking shitty Michelle Obahma food, watch after a mindless clone, and we still don't get Chef back? This sucks."

Maphesto adds, "And you'll have to change his adult diaper and potty train him."

"Agh. Let's face the facts, guys: Chef's dead and we'll never get him back, and we never should have tried to play God," Kyle hangs his head down in sad disappointment.

"If only we could travel back in time and bring back the real Chef," says Eric.

"Suck on my chocolaty salty balls – put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em!" Chef clone suddenly exclaims.

"Wait – Doctor Maphesto – do you have a time machine?" asks Stan.

"Sorry, boys, not yet. But maybe you still can travel back. Do you have a laser pellet key chain shooter with an artificial computer program in a credit card that can transmit a tone that sends people to the future?"

"What?" Stan says confused.

"Hum. Well, do you have an interstellar starship you can slingshot around the sun?"

"No," says Stan.

"Yes," says Eric.

Kyle punches Eric in an arm.

"Damn – I sold mine on eBay two years ago. Do you have a Delorian with a flux capacitor in stalled?" Maphesto asks.

"Ah, no," Stan again replies.

"Damn – always wanted one of those. Do you at least have a multi-sided sphere powered by alien fuel?"

"No," Kyle says in a frustrated voice.

"Well, that's gonna be a problem then," says Maphesto.

"Huh. Who knew time travel would be so hard," says Stan.

"Well, what do you have?" Maphesto asks them.

Eric responds, "Kenny and bacon shakes. Damn – I need a life, too."

"Hummm…" Maphesto rubs his bushy eyebrows instead of his chin, "That might work!"

"What?" asks Kyle.

"Boys, have you actually ever drunk the bacon shakes?"

"A little," Kyle replies.

"Yeah, they're horrible and gave us temporary memory loss," says Stan.

"Exactly. Bacon shakes are an extremely powerful liquid capable of permanently erasing your long-term memories. Almost no one has actually drunk a whole thing of it, except that crazy homeless guy in the park. Now he spends his days huffing paint, defecating in his pants, and voting Democrat."

Butters exclaims, "Oh, God – that horrible!"

"Hold on – you're saying we can time travel with bacon shakes?" Stan asks, making sure he heard right.

Maphesto replies back, "Absolutely. On their own they're just a powerful anal and mental enema, but when properly powered they should bend time and space."

"How do we do that?" Kyle asks.

"We'll just need a controller to reprogram, and some neodymium magnets."

Stan says, "We don't have any neodymium magnets – they cost too much."

"You are all in luck – it just so happens I have some in the tips of my shoes. They said I was crazy for putting magnets in my shoes and selling them to people, but just look at how many paper clips I've picked up with them. It's made my friend James Randi's life so much easier."

Stan says with passion, "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go back in time and get Chef!"

Kyle interjects, "Wait, wait, wait – isn't that altering history and creating a temporal paradox?"

"Kyle," Eric says annoyed, "Do you wanna alter history and suffer the unknown consequences or keep eating Michelle Obahma-approved school lunches?"

"I'm saying, if Chef never dies, then think of all the trouble it will cause. And if he doesn't die, we may never end up in a position to want to travel back in time to get him," says Kyle.

"Well, boys, if that were true, you wouldn't be here right now. So, you either went back in time and got him, or you went back in time and let him die."

"Then it's pre-destined, but which one do we pick?" Stan asks the rest of them.

They all think for a few seconds. Maphesto again rubs his bushy gray eyebrows.

"Guys – I got it!" says Eric.

"What?" Kyle asks excitedly.

"What if we could do both?" Eric suggests.

"How?" asks Stan.

Eric replies, "Brace yourselves, guys – I've got a mental boner."


	3. Chapter 3

The boys sit at the table they sat their bacon shakes on. They each push a neodymium magnet threw the straw hole in the bacon shake lids. Leading from the magnets and out the straw hole, are copper wires which trail back to an old Atari 2600 console.

"Okay, boys, I've written over the memory of these two _E.T._ games with temporal coding; no great lose. The one marked 'PAST' will take you back one day before Chef died and the one marked 'NOW' will bring you home. Just put it in the slot and flick on the power button. You may have to jiggle the game a little. Got that?" Maphesto asks them.

"Got it," says Stan.

"The neodymium magnets in combination with the bacon shakes will warp space and time as well as use the kinetic energy of the magnetic for to power the unit. At least in theory. Now, I don't know much about the time travel, so to play it safe I have programmed the NOW cartridge to bring you back ten minutes after you left; I don't want you possibly wiping out on gnarly temporal waves."

"Do we have to drink the bacon shakes again?" Eric whines.

"Yes, it is imperative you drink half of your bacon shakes, each. Bacon shakes negate the terrible physical temporal affects of time travel; they act as TPP – Temporal Physiological Paradoxium, which temporarily protect you from temporal aphasia or some such thing. I don't know – was pretty vague. When you get there you can hide out in my spare room that I don't use so you have some place to sleep."

"Thanks Doctor Maphesto," says Stan.

"Okay, you all ready to time travel?" Kyle asks them all.

Butters speaks up, "But, ah, I can't time travel – my parents will ground me!"

"Butters, don't wuss out on us. Name one person who's ever died from time travel," says Eric.

Butters replies, "The first chrononaut test pilot on 'Seven Days', that guy with the glasses in that boring 'Timeline' movie, Captain Garrett and Lieutenant Yasha Yar-"

"I'll stay here!" Kenny blurts out.

"I meant in real life, Butters," says Eric.

"But … but, no one's ever time traveled before," says Butters.

"Exactly. It's as safe as flying. In planes not from Malaysia," Eric replies.

"Oh, well, all right," says Butters.

"Kenny, if we don't come back and you live, make sure our eulogies at least once contain the word 'ironic' in them," Stan says to Kenny.

"Okay," says Kenny.

Maphesto speaks, "Now, remember boys: you'll each have to drink half a shake or so again to get home. It is imperative you do not spill them as Jack in the Box at that time has not invented them yet – one or more of you could be stranded in the past or die during time travel."

"Whew!" Kenny exclaims.

"I'm not good with complex orbital calculations, so I don't know where you'll wind up. Maybe here, maybe in the lake, maybe on the other side of town. LOL, could be a hundred feet underground," says Maphesto.

Kenny exhales in relief.

"Okay, then I guess there's nothing left to do but chug 'n' travel. Ready Chef clone?" Stan asks.

Chef clones sings, "You got stinky britches!"

Maphesto replies, "Sorry about that – most of the news videos had him singing."

Stan inserts the PAST cartridge into the slot on the Atari console, "One … two … three … _CHUG!_ "

They all down the bacon shakes. Maphesto and Kenny quickly back away two dozen feet.

"Oh, God!" Kyle exclaims.

"AGH!" Butters cries out.

Eric exclaims, "It's like Gordy the pig pissed in my mouth!"

"Oh! I'm forgetting what to do! Must … flip … switch…" Stan leans in while trying not to vomit and turns the Atari consol on.

The lights flicker on and off in the room. On the wall the minute and second hands of a clock slow to a stop and a compass at a work station cracks open as the needle spins around wildly. Orange and yellow streams of light stream outward from the Atari unit. The lights in the room dim to the point they might as well be off and the clock on the wall stops. The boys disappear in a fiery swirl of the orange and yellow streaming haze. The lights slowly illuminate back to normal and the clock on the wall slowly starts moving again.

"Woo hoo!" Kenny exclaims, raising his fists in excitement.

Maphesto speaks up, "Holy crap – that actually worked. I guess I won't have to use my spare body bags after all. Well, lad, I'm glad you stayed; you can help me feed my pet raptors."

" _Whut?_ "

.

There's a bright white flash of light and the view goes completely white for a couple seconds before disappearing to an endless expanse of dark grey with lighter grey clouds of smoke on the bottom half. Crappy computer-generated heads rise up out of the smoke as the view goes forward and passed each head.

Stan's head passes by, "No, I'm not okay."

Kyle's head passes by, "No, Chef! Don't' do it!"

Kenny's head passes by, "Fwuk yu!"

Scotty's head passes by, "Admiral – there be whales in here!"

Eric's head passes by, "Wow – a time when there was no such thing as bacon shakes. Better days."

And finally butters' head passes by, "Wow! I'm on a rusty venture!"

We suddenly see the dead whale Willzyx in front of us. It gets closer, and closer, and closer still.

The screen goes white again, then it dissipates to reveal the five of them sitting in a field, holding their bacon shakes and starring out blankly. After almost half a minute they start to blink and come back to reality.

Butters puts his hands on his stomach and moans, "Buuuaaahhhaaa…" and he then vomits the bacon shake out.

One by one they each set their shakes down, then hold themselves up with their hands and vomit. The Chef clone, however, sits there and vomit slowly runs out of his mouth, too dumb to even vomit.

"Oh, God, I think I found something possibly worse than pumpkin spice!" Eric exclaims.

Kyle speaks up, "Where are we? When are we?"

"Check out the sky," Stan points up, "It's early morning – we've at least gone back a few hours for sure."

"Guys, it worked! Do you know what this means?" Eric comments.

"Bacon shakes should come with many warning labels?" Stan comments.

"They probably still make Reese's peanut butter covered Whoppers!" Eric says excitedly.

Chef clone blurts out, "Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em!"

"Exactly," says Eric.

Stan stands up, "Okay, we'll need to divide up into two teams: one to drop the Chef clone off at Maphesto's place to hide him, and another to track Chef down."

"I call Kyle," says Eric quickly.

"Damnit. Come on, we'll go drop off the Chef clone," Stan says to Butters.

Stan and butters walk off after Eric and Kyle unplug from the Atari console; Stan carries the console with him.

"Kyle, can we-"

Kyle interrupts Eric, "We're not stopping by a store so you can fucking get peanut butter Whoppers."

"Goddamnit. Fine – next time we time travel, I'm not gonna let you buy anything either!"

"We're here to rescue Chef, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah. How do we find him anyway? He quit his job at school."

"We'll have to try his place, but we'll have to be careful sneaking around town so our parents don't see us and hopefully nobody they know sees us; out past selves are in school right now."

"I know," Eric reaches into one of his pockets and pulls out some folded paper, "we can tear up these pieces of paper and pretend to hand out fliers – that way everybody will ignore us."

"Hey, that's a good idea. Let's go."

.

Stan and Butters near Doctor Maphesto's house, with the Chef cline in tow.

"Why, ah, this is the boringest rusty venture I've ever been on."

"You keep using that phrase; I don't think it means what you think it means," Stan stops and tries the door knob, but it's locked.

"Oh, no, now what? Butters asks.

"Suck on my chocolaty salty balls, put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em!" Chef clone sings.

"Yeah, we're gonna have top teach him new words. I guess we'll just have to find someplace else to stash him. Maybe Eric's basement. We can't risk knocking, you know – a butterfly flapping its wings and what not."

"Fapping?"

"Flapping," Stan speaks more clearly.

"Oh, okay."

They turn to leave and as they head away, Maphesto's door opens to reveal Maphesto.

"Oh, boys, what brings you here? Ah, Jerome – I haven't heard from you in a while. Did that electronic _thing_ you wanted work?" Maphesto asks Chef.

"You got stinky britches!" Chef clone blurts out.

"Um, well, perhaps I do – thank you for pointing that out."

"Look, Doctor Maphesto, we're gonna level with you. I'm Stan and this is Butters, but not from now, but from in the future. We traveled back in time to bring past Chef with us into the future with the help of this clone made with a 3-D printer," says Stan.

"Hummm…" Maphesto rubs his bushy eyebrows, "that seems entirely plausible."

Stan continues, "Future you told us we could hide out Chef clone here."

"Certainly – I wouldn't want to screw up this temporal paradox. Come in," Maphesto moves to the side and lets the three of them enter, with Butters holding one of chef clone's hands.

"Thanks, Doctor Maphesto," says Stan.

"And don't worry about the future, boys, when I see you then, I'll just pretend none of this ever happened. Or maybe I'll completely forget – whichever comes first. So, did I finally perfect that quantum accelerator?"

Stan replies to Maphesto, "No, we used bacon shakes powered by neodymium magnets," showing Maphesto his cup.

"Boys, come on – time travel I can buy, cloning a human being I can buy, 3-D printers I can buy, but bacon shakes? That sounds so awful – who in their right mind would make such a thing?"

"Jack in the Box," Butters answers.

"Oh, I see. Here's the room," Maphesto opens a door to a drab sparsely decorated room where the only highlight is a bed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have crazy experiments to run."

"Wait, Mr. Maphesto," says Butters.

"Yes?"

"What's a rusty venture?"

"Oh, my – you sure you don't mean a rustic adventure?"

"Pretty sure," Butters scratches the top of his head.

"Ah, well, it's when you take a girl out for a huge dinner but you don't let her go to the can. Then you have anal sex with her and she craps all over your dick, so right when you're about to get off, you take it out and you blow shit-cum on her back. Take care, boys," Maphesto closes the door and leaves.

Stan doesn't say anything for a few seconds. Butters removes the sunglasses from chef clone.

Chef clone suddenly blurts out, "I'm gonna make sweet love to your woman!"

"No, don't, just please don't. Adults are disgusting. Where'd you even hear that, Butters?"

"I think I got it from an animated TV series."

"I'll have to remember never to watch TV at your house. Chef clone," Stan then says to the Chef clone.

"Hello."

"No, no, no, no – it's 'Hello there, children'. Hello, chef clone."

"Hello there, children," chef clone replies back.

"Yeah! Okay, now listen up, chef clone, you have to memorize the following lines…" Stan sniffs the air, "Ah, Butters."

"Yeah?"

"Time to change Chef clone's diaper."

.

Eric and Kyle near the end of down town, approaching some residential streets.

"Save the whales," says Eric to people passing by.

"Save the whales," Kyle also says.

People weave around Eric and Kyle without even looking at them.

"Save the whales. For only a dollar a month you can help sponsor a poor starving baby whale in Africa," says Eric.

"They don't' have whales in Africa, fatass," says Kyle.

"Oh. Help sponsor a poor starving baby whale in Chin a, only a dollar a month. And none of it goes to making Salli Strothers any fatter."

"Hey, this is really working – no one's even looking at us," says Kyle.

"Where are we now?" asks Eric.

"Almost at chef's house, but I think I remember he sold it; wasn't he already in town the day he died?"

"Been so long I can't even remember," says Eric as they both turn a corner onto a residential street. "I know he was serving lunch tomorrow and wanted to make sweet love to our assholes."

"Then we'll have to sneak into school and see if he's getting his job back. We're here," says Kyle.

They stop at what was Chef's house.

"No for sale sign – maybe he's here!" says Kyle.

They walk up to the door quickly; Kyle knocks and then they wait. The door opens to reveal a crotchety old white man.

"Yes? What the hell do you want?"

"Ahhh … save the whales?" Eric says, trying to think of something.

"What? Fuck the whales. Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Oh, well, we're older than we look," Kyle improvises.

Eric joins in, "Yeah, we suffer from a disease that stunts out growth – full blown upper torso post prandial distention."

"Huh? You just look like a couple of young bastards to me."

Eric looks on angrily and points to the man, "Are you making fun of my midgetiness?! Midget racist! I'm gonna tell all your neighbors you're a whale hating midget racist!"

"Goddamnit!" the old man slams the door.

"Dude, that was completely unnecessary," says Kyle as they walk away from the house.

"Yeah, but I won," says Eric.

They walk back up the street.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I think I'll get Butters to help sneak into school. Come on, let's get back to that dumpster where we left our bacon shakes."

.

Kenny is slowly lowered into a large fenced of area. On his a chain harness and below him a goat, like the T-Rex feeding scene from the first _"Jurassic Park"_ film.

"Almost there … almost there … the goat has landed. Now, if you could, unhook the goat from its harness. Don't worry – my pet raptors are perfectly harmless."

"Okay…" Kenny was worriedly.

Kenny frees himself from his chain harness. He starts fiddling with the one on the goat hen a noise behind him distracts him. His eyes shift to look elsewhere and he holds still.

.

Eric and Kyle help themselves into Maphesto's place.

"Isn't is amazing, Kyle?" says Eric.

"Isn't what amazing?"

"The past."

"I guess…"

"I mean…" he looks around, "Wow – a time when there was no such thing as bacon shakes. Better days."

"Dude, it hasn't actually been that long."

"And Mily Ciross wasn't rubbing her ass on people. God – seems like a decade ago."

"Still had the Michelle Obahma lunches."

"Okay, so it wasn't perfect. Stop ruining the past for me, Kyle!"

They find the spare room and open the door.

"Hello there, children!"

"How's it going?" Kyle asks Stan.

"He's memorized most of the lines. Still needs some practice. Did you find real Chef?" Stan replies back.

"No, heading out to the school next. I need to swap Butters out."

"Sorry, chef clone, but I gotta go," says butters.

"Let's get it on tonight," chef clone sings.

"No! That's bad!" Stan corrects him.

"Why bad?"

"Because," says Stan.

"See you, Chef clone," says Kyle.

"Good-bye, children."

The door closes.

Eric waits a few seconds and then says, "Chef clone, repeat after me: Kyle's mom is a bitch…"

.

Kyle and butters cautiously wander around inside South Park Elementary.

"Okay, Butters, we're about midway into the school, let's split up. I'll go to Principal Victoria's office and you go check out the back of the lunch room. He's either filling out his application or preparing the lunch room for tomorrow's service. Assuming he's here."

"Roger that."

"And remember – don't talk to anybody; a butterfly's wings and all that."

"No problem," Butters replies.

"Okay. We'll meet back up outside the door we came in," Kyle then heads off.

"Roger, roger," Butters salutes and heads in the opposite direction.

Butters passes by a bathroom door that opens, with Clyde stepping out.

"Oh, boy, I'm on another rusty venture! Whatever that is."

"A rusty venture?" Clyde asks Butters.

"Ah … ah…" Butters turns slowly around, very nervous.

"Oh, that's easy. What you do is you take a scuba snorkel and you…"

.

Kyle stops at Principal Victoria's office door. He lightly touches it to see if it's open and if she can crack it slightly ajar. Not open, Kyle attempts to get on his tippy toes to peak in the window but can't stretch up high enough. He drops back down.

"Almost."

He hears some footsteps and moves to a side of the door. Victoria walks out fast and in the opposite direction of Kyle.

"Oh, it's gonna be close!" she runs to the bathroom, farting along the way.

Kyle opens the door which Victoria has forgotten to lock behind herself in her haste.

"Dear God," Kyle says as he enters, pinching his nostrils shut.

.

Kyle waits outside. The exit door opens and Butters walks out.

"Did you find anything?" Kyle asks Butters.

"Yeah, I heard Chef was in town right now!"

"Great! I snuck into Principal Victoria's office and found Chef's resume and the motel he's staying at. He's probably there now! Wait … how'd you hear about that? I thought I told you not to talk to anybody."

"Well, I didn't. Except for Clyde. And the lunch room guy who saw me."

"Damnit, Butters! Anything else?"

"And I peed and flushed it."

"Don't you know what can happen if you alter the past? Butterfly's wings!"

"Yeah, butterfly wings are pretty looking."

"Agh! Come on, let's get back to Maphesto's place."

.

Kyle and butters enter the spare room at Maphesto's house.

"You're back! Did you find real Chef" Stan asks.

"We did. He's in room 25 at Red Rum Inn," Kyle replies.

Eric says, "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go get him!"

"We can't," says Kyle.

"Why not?" Butters asks curiously.

Kyle replies, "We can't do anything to alter Chef's behavior while he's at school and amongst people – we might alter the future. We'll have to see him tomorrow when he goes back to his motel room."

"You're right, I didn't think of that," says Stan.

"If it means erasing 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians' from history, I'm willing to seriously fuck the past," says Eric.

Kyle then says, looking around to all of them, "Brace yourselves, guys – tomorrow we rescue Chef."


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, after school.

The three of them, minus Butters who has stayed behind to watch the Chef clone, stop at room twenty-five at the Red Rum Inn.

Stan inhales and exhales a big breath, "Well guys, here goes nothing," he then knocks on the door.

After a few seconds of rumbling inside the room, the door opens.

"Hello there, children!"

They all in unison excitedly exclaim, " _Hey Chef!_ "

"Oh my God – it's Chef!" says Kyle.

Chef then says, "Who's ready for some buttsex? It's spiritual."

"Damnit, his brain is still frazzled from that fruity Super Adventure Club," says Stan.

Kyle then says, "Not for long. Chef, we made you this drink," Kyle holds out a small paper cup with some bacon shake poured into it.

"I don't know, children," Chef replies.

"I mixed it with my young succulent dick," says Eric.

"Come in, hurry!" Chef steps aside.

"Young succulent dick? Kyle mocks Eric in a low voice.

"Ay – how would you know?" Eric retorts.

"How would _you_?" Kyle rebukes.

Chef takes the cup and drink it quickly.

"Um, um. OH! Great googly moodly!"

Chef just stands there, his mouth agape and a blank look across his face.

"Chef?" Stan says to Chef.

Chef blinks repeatedly and his eyes focus in on the boys, "Children, what happened? And what is that God-awful taste in my mouth?"

"Bacon shake, Chef," Kyle replies.

"Bacon shake? Who the fudge would make such a horrible thing?" Chef asks.

"Jack in the Box," says Stan.

"We don't have no Jack in the Box in South Park," says Chef.

Stan speaks up, "That's right, we don't have a Jack in the Box … now, but in the future we will."

"Ooohhhhh … I understand now," says Chef.

"You do?" asks Kyle.

"I'm high. Obviously I'm hopped up on goofballs."

"No, Chef, Doctor Maphesto sent us back in time so we could rescue you!" says Kyle.

"Rescue? From what? What a minute … rescue … rope … anal beads … anal sex! Sweet Jesus, what's happened to me?" he puts his hands on both sides of his face in shock.

"Brace yourself, Chef," says Stan.

Eric adds, "Yeah, this is gonna be worse than an _'E! True Hollywood Story'_ special."

Stan continues, "You quit your job, sold your house, and flew off to join a child pedophilia group known as the Super Adventure Club, where they've brainwashed you into wanting to have sex with children, claiming kids have things in their bodies called Marlocks, that keep you young."

"It's almost as bad as midi-chlorians," says Eric.

"Dear Lord, I've become a monster. You children shouldn't be here. I don't think I'm safe to be around."

Stan answers back, "Chef, we have to tell you before the after affects of the bacon shake wear off and you become brainwashed again, why we're here."

Kyle jumps in, "You see, Chef, while attempting to escape from the club, you fell to your death. You died."

"Yeah, totally shit your pants everywhere," says Eric.

"God has … forsaken me," says Chef, forlorn.

"No, Chef – he just temporarily put you on hold. We're here to take you to the future with us!" says Kyle.

Stan then speaks, "We got a clone of you to take your place. This time, you don't have to die."

"Right. We've drilled all your final lines into his head and all we need now is your Super Adventure Club uniform to disguise him in," says Kyle.

Eric walks over to Chef's open luggage lying on the bed and pulls out the uniform as Chef paces about, distraught.

"I … I…"

"Just say 'Yes' so we can go home," says Kyle.

"I can't," Chef replies.

"What? Why?" Kyle says, shocked.

"Don't you see, children, if I died its God's will. Maybe it's my time, maybe his vengeance was swift and not withheld. Children, I can't go back with you – God has spoken."

Eric says angrily, "What? No! Screw God – we need you in the future! Who will make out lunches?"

"Answer all our questions we can't ask our parents?" says Stan.

"And be our friend?" says Kyle.

"I'm sorry, children, if this is who I've become, then I deserved to be dead. Go, childrens."

"But, Chef-"

Chef cuts Stan off, " _ **Go!**_ "he bellows, pointing to the door.

"Fine! But we're keeping your uniform!" Eric bolts for the door with it.

"Yeah! We've altered the future! Now you probably won't die!" says Stan.

They run away out the door.

"Damnit, children!" chef steps out, "I have two! Hum … nice asses," he walks back in and closes the door.

The boys eventually stop a couple blocks away, hiding in between two small businesses.

"Goddamnit!" Stan exclaims.

"Are you okay?" asks Kyle.

"No, I'm not okay. I don't care what he wants – we're not letting Chef die this time."

"I don't know; I don't think we can stop him. Obviously he died or we wouldn't be here. Maybe it's pre-ordained," says Kyle.

"I don't care. It wasn't his time and he didn't deserve to die that way."

"But, what about a butterfly's flapping wings?" asks Kyle.

"Fuck the butterfly's wings! Come on, we gotta go get the chef clone; real Chef is probably heading to the Super Adventure Club local auxiliary complex," says Stan.

They start walking away.

Eric comments, "what I don't understand is: how do we know the butterfly flapped its wings and didn't let one rip?"

.

Later that day. The sun has begun setting already as the boys sneak around outside the complex, on the other side of the bridge, in the bushes and brush alongside the trail their past selves and Chef will run along to get away from the wooden walkway bridge.

Stan speaks, "Okay, guys, this is out last chance. If we have to, we'll grab him. Chef clone, remember your lines?"

"Yes," Chef clone replies.

Stan takes the PAST cartridge out of the Atari console and inserts the NOW cartridge. With the wires connected to the back of the Atari console, they each push the neodymium magnets threw the straw holes in the lids on their bacon shakes. The ground vibrates from pronounced rumbling of nearby thunder.

"Everybody ready?" Stan asks them all.

"Check," Eric replies.

"Check. Chef's ready, too," Kyle says.

"Roger, Roger," says Butters.

Eric looks at Butters pissed, "Butters, you can't say 'Roger, Roger' anymore – _The Phantom Menace_ ruined it."

"Oh."

Kyle says to Eric, "Was that something we were doing anyway?"

They are interrupted by yelling.

"Shhh, quiet – our past selves are coming," says Stan.

They hear the thuds of running feet across the wooden walkway bridge as past Kenny, Kyle, Eric and Stan – followed by past Chef – flee from the Super Adventure Club auxiliary complex. Past versions of them run by the bushes.

"There we go," says Kyle.

"Man, I was so fat back then," says Eric.

" _Then?_ " says Kyle.

"Where's past Chef?" asks Stan.

"I think he hesitated after he got just off the bridge," says Kyle.

"There he is!" Stan points to past Chef, who has just stepped into their view.

"How do we get his attention?" asks Butters.

Eric chimes in, "Guys, leave it to me," Eric moves in front of them and says just loud enough for past Chef to hear, " _Pssst…_ "

Past Chef looks over.

"What's he looking at?" past Stan asks."Hum, that must be one young sexy bush," says past Connolly, the Super Adventure Club head.

Eric raises his shirt up to his neck and using his pointing fingers he rubs his nipples.

"Oh…" past Chef walks into the bushes.

"Is he going to shit in the bushes?" past Kyle asks.

"Ay – hurry up! We're in peril here!" past Eric yells angrily to past Chef.

Chef gets down on his hands and knees to suck on Eric's nipples, putting him out of view of both the past boys and past Connolly and his Super Adventure Club henchmen.

Eric lowers his shirt and stops past Chef just before the act, "Not so fast. First you drink _this_ ," handing him a cup with some bacon shake poured into it, "then you can have all the moobie action you want."

Chef grabs the cup and drinks it fast.

" _Now chef clone!_ " Stan exclaims.

Chef clone stands up, dressed just like past Chef at that time, and exits the bushes.

"Man, they should hand out Olympic medals for shits _that_ fast," says past Eric.

"Children, run!" Chef clone yells out.

"Stop!" Connolly and his henchmen chase after Chef, but stop at the bridge entrance.

"We made it!" says past Stan.

"Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place?" Connolly asks Chef.

"Chef, come on!" past Stan yells out to him.

"You wanted adventure! And why do people seek adventure? Because their lives have become dull and empty," says past Connolly.

The boys drag past Chef over to the Atari console, far enough into the bushes to not be seen.

"Yeah, he wanted adventure. Now a bunch of bullcrap! Right, Chef?" past Kyle asks Chef.

Chef clone looks confused and heads toward the wooden walkway.

"Don't forget all your training, Chef. Stay with us and your life will be grand and eternal!" past Connolly says.

Kyle pours some more bacon shake down Chef's throat to prepare him for time travel.

"Chef, we love you," says past Kyle.

"I'm sorry, children," says the Chef clone.

"No, Chef, they've filled your head with lies! Can't you see that?" past Kyle asks Chef.

Chef clone heads back to Connolly just as the boys told him to, "Get the hell out of here, children!"

The boys all drink from their bacon shakes after putting Chef's hands around the cup Chef clone used to travel back in time with.

"Yesss, looks like our fruity little club is safe after all…" says past Connolly.

Stan flips the on switch on the Atari console. Orange and yellow streams of light stream out from the Atari unit. **TASS-** _ **BOOM!**_ A bolt of lightning strikes the bridge, blowing it in two and setting fire to it and the Chef clone.

"No!" past Connolly yells.

Past Kenny, Kyle, Eric and Stan all scream, " **Chef!** "

Meanwhile their future selves disappear in an orange and yellow fiery haze, taking past Chef – real Chef – with them, as the Chef clone falls to his death.


	5. Chapter 5

Orange and yellow streams of light stream out from the Atari console. The boys appear in a fiery swirl of the orange and yellow streaming haze. The haze dissipates and the lights in Maphesto's experiments room light back up. They all sit there with blank looks on their faces as the affects of the bacon shakes wear off. Maphesto walks over and shuts off the Atari console. Steadily each of them comes to and then throws up the bacon shakes.

"Oh, man, now I totally know what it's like to be a super model. I should totally like can my hurl and sell it on eBay and say it came from Kate Moss," says Eric.

"Ohhh…" Kyle raises his head from barfing and looks around. He sees Chef and blurts out loudly, "chef!"

Stan comes to, "Huh? Chef! Oh my God – it worked!"

"Kenny! We got Chef! Kenny?" says Kyle.

Maphesto comments, "I'm sorry, boys, but Kenny didn't make it…"

Stan exclaims, "Oh my God – you killed Kenny!"

Kyle follows up, "You ba-"

Maphesto interrupts him, "… in time to see you come back; he's still in the bathroom."

"Oh. Well, I guess nobody is a bastard," says Kyle.

"Where am I, children?" asks Chef, who has come out of the bacon shake daze.

"You're in the future, Chef!" Kyle exclaims happily.

"Yeah, you didn't die!" Stan also exclaims.

Eric then jumps in, "Yeah, we totally let that clone of you eat it. It's not morally or ethically wrong to do that yet, though we may have broken new ground."

"Damnit, children, you tricked me."

Stan says to Eric, "Man, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't believe we actually found a use for your fat boy tits."

Eric responds, "You're welcome."

Kyle replies to Chef, "We had to – we couldn't let you die, Chef. And now you haven't. Now you can continue leading a full life."

Butters also speaks up, "That's right, Chef person. Why, ah, if God wants you dead, you'd be dead right now. Maybe his plans were different after all."

Kenny walks over quickly to the table and sees Chef, "Woo hoo!"

"No, no, no – this is a dream; I'm dreaming!" Chef stands up and runs away.

One of the large wooden front doors to Maphesto's place flies open and Chef runs out. He looks around and stops as the boys come running up to him. Chef looks up and around at the sunny sky and chirping birds. They stop a few feet behind him, while Maphesto watches from the doorway.

"We told you," says Kyle.

"Oh my sweet Jesus – I am alive," says Chef.

"You can now do whatever you want," says Stan.

"So, what do you want?" Kyle asks Chef.

"Just don't say Reese's peanut butter covered Whoppers, 'cause Kyle totally screwed that up!" Eric says angrily.

"Yeah, what do you want?" Butters asks Chef.

Chef thinks for a few seconds, then answers, "I wanna see my mom and dad. Gonna take a whole heap of explaining."

Kyle and Stan look at each other, "Aaaggghhhhh…."

.

In the next scene we see Maphesto waiting in his car as Chef stands in a graveyard. He looks down with tears in his eyes at the tombstones of his mom and dad; next to them his tombstone, shaped like a big Chef's hat.

"We didn't know how to tell you," Kyle says to Chef.

"Take my home, children – I need to be alone for a while."

"We can't," says Stan.

"Why?" Chef asks.

Stan replies, "You sold your house to move away and join that Super Adventure Club."

"Do I have anything left?" Chef asks.

Kyle answers, "No, they auctioned off your stuff your parents kept, then trashed the rest."

"I have nothing. Everyone I ever loved is dead, everything I ever owned is gone; all my precious memories and photographs , in a garbage dump somewhere … I have nothing," Chef says.

"Why, you have us," says Butters.

"And everyone in town," says Kyle.

"Town? I abandoned them, quit my job and flew away to join a bunch of fruitcake child molesters. I can't go back."

"We'll vouch for you, Chef," says Stan.

"And with our help, over time we'll un-brainwash you," says Kyle.

"Oh my God – I'm a sex pervert! They'll never trust me around childrens ever again. They'll always be lookin' out with one eye, saying one thing, thinkin' in the back of their heads another."

"Chef, what are you saying?" Kyle asks him.

"Children, I don't belong here anymore. I'm a relic of the past. The town's moved on without me, it don't need me no more. Someone else's got my job, got my house. I'm dead and buried as far as they're concerned."

"We need you, Chef," says Kyle.

"You don't need me anymore, children. You're getting' older now, figuring' stuff out on your own; soon you'll be makin' sweet love to as many women as possible," he looks at Butters, "or men."

"Huh?" says Butters.

"And I know it sounds weird, but you'll start talking with your parents and growing up. Soon you'll be really big childrens."

"But we want you in our lives. What if there's something we can only ask you about?" says Kyle to Chef.

"You got by all this time when I was dead," Chef replies back.

"I guess…" Kyle says as they follow Chef back to Maphesto's car.

"Children, hold me in your hearts and your memories, and I'll never die – I'll always be there. My time has come and gone."

"What do you want us to do?" asks Eric.

"You don't want us to take you back in time and let you die, do you?" Kyle asks Chef, still in shock.

"What? Oh, hell no – I'm not falling down no ravine to my death and shitting my pants in front of everyone. No, my clone can handle that part."

"Then what?" Stan asks.

"Hum … I'm not really sure," Chef responds.

They close the doors once back in the car.

Maphesto speaks up, "I know what to do," Maphesto starts his car and drives away.

.

The sun starts to set in South Park. On the outskirts of town alongside a highway road, Maphesto's car sits on a shoulder.

Chef stands in fresh cloths and his beard shaven off. He holds a tall cup of bacon shake in a hand.

"Are you sure this will work?" Chef asks Maphesto.

"Absolutely. All you have to do is drink the whole thing and your long term memories will be erased. You will cease to be Jerome McElroy and remember nothing of your previous life."

Chef looks at the bacon shake, contemplating one last time.

"No Chef! Don't do it!" says Kyle, saddened and with tears forming in his eyes.

"Children, my minds already made up."

"But we have a problem," says Stan.

"Now, children, I thought I told you…" he looks around at their innocent faces, "ah, hell, one more for old time's sake."

"Our school lunches suck!" Eric blurts out.

"Yeah, they're really bad now," says Kyle.

"Why bad?" asks Chef.

"They're fucking Michelle Obahma-approved lunches full of flavored cardboard and shit and they won't allow us to pack our own lunches," says Stan.

"Well, don't eat it," says Chef.

Kyle answers, "We've tried, but they keep serving it and we're forced to take a tray."

"Children, there's always gonna be people in your life who wanna control you, tell you what to do, what to eat, always think they know better than you and that they can legislate human nature. But usually they're little puissant fucktards who know jack-shit and don't even live the way they try to force on you. But if you take a stand, you can beat them; maybe not now, tomorrow, or even ten years from now. Why, your forefathers dumped tea into the harbor to pretest over taxation and tyrannical laws from the King of England. Never forget, children: don't take no crap from nobody. You take a stand and others will follow. Did that help?"

"Yeah, I kinda think it did. Thanks, Chef," says Kyle.

"No problem," he raises the bacon shake to his mouth.

"Wait, I have a question," says Butters.

"Yes?"

"What's a rusty venture?"

"Oh, well that's when you're so old you try to masturbate but it's covered in rust from sitting around with no use, so you oil it up and masturbate and it turns all rusty in color. Good-bye, children," Chef then starts gulping down the bacon shake.

"Good-bye, Chef!" says Stan.

"We love you!" Kyle follows.

"Yeah!" Kenny adds.

"Come on, boys, let's get out of here before he comes out of it and sees us," says Maphesto.

They rush over and climb into Maphesto's car. Maphesto starts it, then makes a U-turn in the highway and drives back into town. Kyle looks out the back window with a tear running down his face from a eye.

"God be with you, Chef."

.

The sun shines down brightly on South Park Elementary from up above in the afternoon sky of the next day. Once again the boys find themselves in the line for lunch, holding the trays.

Stan moves up next in line to be served, "Hey, lunch dude."

The lunch guys looks up again, "Oh, you again. So, what'll it be today? Not that you actually have a choice," he snickers a little.

"Oh, doesn't matter to me – it's all going in the fucking trash anyway," Stan replies.

"You wouldn't dare," says the lunch guy.

"Watch me," Stan retorts.

"You just bought yourself a whole lot of trouble," says the lunch guy.

"Eh," Stan shrugs, then trashes his tray of food when he moves forward to the trash can.

"Hey, I'm not done with you!" the lunch guy yells out.

Kyle walks over to Stan, casually dumping his tray of food in the trash as well, "Are you okay?"

Stan speaks up so everyone in line can hear, "No, I'm not okay. I mean, I tried to be okay, but she doesn't want me to be okay. She doesn't want any of us to be okay. You know why? Because _she's_ not okay!"

"Kid, I told you not to walk away from me!" the lunch guy yells.

"I'm walkin' away from this stinkin' lousy food," Stan turns to leave.

The lunch guy speaks up, "That was a wonderful performance, kids, but if any of the rest of you are considering joining them, may I point out there's one line to this cafeteria: one that feeds and one that doesn't."

Kenny dumps the food off his tray into the trash. Eric does the same, followed by Butters. Now emboldened, one-by-one each kid trashes their food after being served, then places their trays in the tray slot holder.

Stan looks at the lunch guy, "I guess we're not gonna eat her approved food today or any other day, lunch dude," and with that he turns around again and leaves as every single student trashes their Michelle Obahma-approved lunches.

" _Agh!_ " the lunch guy angrily flails about.

As the five of them exit the serving room area, back into the main lunch room floor, every single student trashes their food, with not a single one walking away with a tray of food.

"I guess Chef was right. And maybe it is time for us to grow up a little bit," says Kyle.

"Why, yeah; I feel empowered. Emboldened even," says Butters with a little triumph.

"If you parents find out you're trashing your lunch, they're gonna ground you until you're like fifty," Eric says, squashing whatever bit of freedom Butters briefly had.

"Maybe not so empowered now," says Butters.

Stan speaks up, "You know what, guys? It's gonna be tough, but I think we'll be okay."

They head for the door outside, to begin recess early.

Eric comments, "Yeah. Thanks, Chef, where ever you are…"

.

The view fades to an old faded highway road somewhere way outside South Park. Alongside the highway, Chef thumbs for rides. A light shadow of facial hair and a backpack over his shoulder, he continues walking as cars pass by him and the piano theme from "The Incredible Hulk" TV series, by Joseph Harnell - _The Lonely Man_ \- plays.

.

 **-THE END-**


End file.
